Loss … how do you explain the loss of someone so close to you… someone you gave birth to… that dark empty space that was once shining. How do you step out of the darkness and into the real world again? For me… it’s called auto pilot. A place where all my losses and sorrows are pushed away… deep down inside so that I can function day to day. It’s the quiet times that you will see a tears in my eyes. The down times, when I am just sitting, drifting and reflecting about what was once. Who was I then? Who am I now? I was a wife before he passed away. Known for being that … it was always our names together when spoken to or about. And now … it’s my name.
Same as my girls … was always my girls, the girls, their names were always said together …. and now it’s just her’s.
Loss… takes away a lot. It makes you hold closer those you can, who are still here. My losses are deep and seem to be never ending. I can recount the passing of my pets, dogs, cat and gerbil …. a good friend in high school, an uncle, grandmother, grandfathers … But loss can take the form of people just not being in your life anymore as well. And I have many, many people who have walked away from my situations. Stating that they, they can not deal with what is happening. And they weren’t even helping… just watching.
Loss is felt deeply. And I supposed that saying that Time heals wounds could be applied here. But does it heal the wound? Or do you just get used to the pain til it kind of numbs you?
Why is it so hard for me to let you go? I know you are in heaven. A far better place than here on earth and in the pain you were in. Am I being selfish to want you here? My heart aches and my brain just doesn’t want to compute that you are no longer with me. I see the pictures of you … I re-live the events up to your passing… it took me 8 months to be able to lay your ashes to rest. Why? What was I waiting for?
Why can’t I accept you are gone? My mind goes in a confusing ball of questions that swirl around and around. All while my heart breaks for all that I know and saw you go through! No one should have to have cancer! It is the most horrible of diseases! I am grateful that I had the 11 years with you. Grateful because I got to see you as you were growing up. Grateful because you were able to express yourself and let me know what was wrong. Grateful because I have all those “I Love You Momma” in my heart to hold on to. Combine the questions and the terrible crushing feeling I have missing you, and I am paralyzed. Not wanting to move forward ever, cuz I can not include you. Guilt now because I have you sister… and I wasn’t able to keep you for her. “Get up”, I tell myself every morning. “Get up”, and face the world. You might have one less mouth to feed and care for… but you still have a little one to care for! “Get up”!
It is hard to explain the mind bending thoughts I have … I’ve been told that the worse loss is that of a child. It is not natural for the adults to loose the child first. We are to pass down all our knowledge and ways for the children to grow and move forward after our passing. Not them first. We are programmed inside to care and love our children. And when one goes missing or gets hurt we are right there to aid and care. But when they leave us, the whole is immense! The sadness is to great! You feel like you failed your child for not being able to keep them alive.
“I’m sorry” I told my baby as the nurses and doctors were turning off the machines… “I’m sorry, there is nothing more I can do to allow you to stay with me.” That feeling of complete helplessness. That feeling for me returns again! And I loose another one of my loves. First my sister, my late husband and now my beautiful baby girl! That feeling of overcoming sadness that stops you in your thoughts. Makes your feet feel like cinder blocks weighing you down as you sink deeper into the sea of grief.
Why is it so hard to move forward without you? There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t think of you. I visit your grave site regularly … searching for answers… searching for the pain to stop.
I miss you my baby Paytan… there is not a day that doesn’t go by I don’t think about what we would be doing if you were here…. I think about what it would still be like having just finished your treatments. Would you be really walking on your own? Would your bones have responded to the treatments we gave you in December 2015? How would you have been doing with the nerve damage in your hands and feet? And how would you be doing in school after all those SVT attacks (racing of her heart). And my mind wonders to the “what ifs”…. what if you had not been taken off the antifungal medication? What if we had gotten to the hospital earlier? What if we just had not of left in the first place that morning? What if? What if? I know it is not good to think about the what ifs… but honey is it very hard not to…what if one of the what ifs I had done and you would have been still here with me? Yes, I know… I do everything, everything humanly possible…. I even was in the last CT scan you were having telling the nurses what you like in the machine…. you were unconscious. And honestly, you were not aware of what was happening to be upset you were going into that machine.
But what if ….
Well, today is another “event” or special date on the calendar that will pass by and be marked as one more year you weren’t here to participate in.
Do you realize… I lost your father on the year that we would have been married for 20 years… and then I lost you, five years later. When we first got married, actually on our honeymoon, you daddy said we should make it a plan to come back on our 25th Anniversary to this very spot. 25 years later …. I am missing him and now missing you. My heart is terrified to loose your sister! I try so hard every day not to cling to her and to be able to give her the freedom to grow up without a mom that hovers.
Tears still flow so very quickly. Just your name brings a vast amount of memories, smells, giggles and yes… more tears.
This year, you would have finished your chemo treatments and starting to live again…. you would have been turning 13 years old. Thirteen… and “real teenager” 🙂 I can hear your words … babysitting course, guitar lessons, sports… all a dream that will never happen.
Oh how my heart aches!!
Hi Guys … I am working hard on this website. I have come to a hard spot of describing my daughter’s passing … where do I start?
I’m doing my best to summarize and still get across all that happened in a short amount of time … December 19th 2016 to January 6th, 2016. The starting … well, I guess I will start where the doctor’s took her off the antifungal medication for her liver, spleen, kidney and lung. Please accept my apology for my slowness in writing out this part of the website … it will come soon.
Thank you for your patience. <3
Grief … it hides one day and comes on full force the next. Makes you feel like your on a never ending roller coaster.
Grief … the daily realization that you are separated by life and death from your loved one…
Grief … the ever consuming scream that is so loud it’s silent.
Grief … the gasping for air and not being able to breathe.
Grief … uncontrolled streaming of tears of pain.
Grief … the dark hole that no one understands unless they are there.
Grief … to know that people don’t look at you the same way … and Grief … knowing your life will never be the same again.
Every day my grief walks with me … it reminds me of happy times, full of laughter and giggles…. but … at the same time it brings fountains of tears to my eyes knowing it will never be the same again.