September 14 2014

This is the week.. (Sept. 14 2014) was the beginning of the horrific journey of our dealing with childhood cancer.
Absolute fear flooded my heart and mind. I’ve dealt with a lot over my life… But cancer to me was a death sentence. I’d only ever know people who got it, died.
And when the doctors said A.L.L. ….. I could hardly breathe.
When I was 9 or 10… I knew a little girl who had just had her 6th birthday. I watched each week (when I saw her at Sunday School), as she looked more and more sick over the next few weeks.
Then she stopped coming. And few months later, I heard that she had cancer… Leukaemia. And then people saying prayers for her to get better.
And then….. The announcement from the pastor… Her funeral was to be that week.
She was beautiful! And her name matched her blue, blue eyes…. Her parents named her Skye.
My mind flashed this while memory past me so fast…. I just wanted to scream!!! No, go back and check again!! This is not cancer! This is not leukaemia.
Paytan and I asked for all to leave the room.. And we hugged and cried and cried. We’d been through diabetes and its horrors… But cancer… This was a different animal!!
Paytan asked me, “mommy, am I gunna die?”
I told her …NO… NO… You are NOT going to die.

Well, here I am, 16 months after Paytan’s diagnoses, torturous treatments & life & mind altering effects of chemo… And now, 9 months after she has past…

I told my Paytan… I whispered in her ear as she was slipping away from me….
I’m sorry my baby, I couldn’t make you better.
I’m sorry, I honestly didn’t lie to you…
I did EVERYTHING I could to make you better.
I didn’t want you to die!
I did tell you, no you’re not going to die.
We can beat this!
…..I’m so very sorry Baby for everything big & small that you had to endure!!
Thank you sooo much God for allowing me to be Paytan’s Mommy.
And thank you God for giving Paytan and I, Hailey…
Hailey is a beautiful reminder of Paytan through her smiles.
We carry you Paytan in our hearts …. Until we can see you again


Sept 14, 2016

I found this sketch in Paytan’s CHEO book … the photo is from pre-school …. Yes, Boo-Bear, you ARE one in a Million.

These are Pokémon card ideas that Paytan had come up with… making her own cards to share and trade with her friends.

It's only a BAD DAY if you say it is