5 Years…

Today marks 5 years you have been in Heaven.
There are no words to express the loss I feel and how much you are missed.

Dear God, please take care of my little girl,
The one with big eyes and soft golden hair.
She was special, as you should know.
I really didn’t want to let her go.
She touched the hearts of everyone she knew.
Letting her go was so hard to do.
Her smile could brighten up the darkest room.
I wish you didn’t have to take her so soon.
Could you sit and rock her and read her a story?
She’s probably afraid; please tell her don’t worry.
Tell her mommy loves her and wishes she could be here,
But it won’t be for many more years.
She loves to sing all kinds of songs.
Please tell her that she did no wrong.
Would you comfort her and hold her in your arms tight?
And tell her she is missed every day and night.
Please tell her she is loved so very dear.
I’ll say it every day for her to hear.
Her short life on earth is now completed
For lessons I’m sure you felt I needed.
Tell her I promise to see her again someday.
When that will be, I really can’t say.
I promise to make up for the time that’s passed,
To hold her and comfort her in my arms at last.
© Terry Gouveia

It’s been a while…

I know it was a long time ago that you left this world… we were both so very little. I remember how you called by your special name for me, I remember us playing with dad and the cardboard box as a slide, I remember your giggles. I often think about you, wonder what you would be like, what your interests would have been. But for some reason today… maybe the smell of the rain, sound of the thunder… makes me miss you.
I was taking pictures today, oh yes, of bugs (please tell Paytan, mommy and Hailey are at it again, Lol)… I was also taking a few picture of the flowers we planted earlier… of course I got marigolds…. and yes I did also get some chives😁😁…
I never noticed before… but in the petals of the marigolds I saw something special, three heart wrapped close together… special to me.. cuz it was in your flowers petals… and on today. … your birthday. You would have been 47 this year.
I miss all three of you.
❤️ Susan Kotsovos 1972-1976
❤️ Roger McEwen 1968-2011
❤️ Paytan McEwen 2004-2016

Three Years Without You …

Paytan wrapped up going out for a test drive in the van.
Mom has to be approved for transportation with home visit trips.

It’s three years now that you passed from my arms to Heaven…. 
Three years that have gone by without your giggles, silliness, hugs and kisses.
Three years that my heart still aches and my tears still flow. 
There hasn’t been a day gone by I don’t think about you.
We talk about you all the time… silly memories, happy, and how we wished you were here to share new memories.
❤I love you BooBear❤… to the moon and back … always and forever

Paytan after hair cut, as her hair had started to fall out. This was the morning before she coded that evening… landing her in I.C.U. for 14 days. Paytan never walked without assistance after this.
Day trip home with her little sister, Hailey.

❤We Love You❤ and miss you soooo very very much

Four Year Diagnosis Anniversary

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away
This weekend marked four years since the day we heard Leukaemia…. 4 years since our world was thrown yet another curve ball. You were given a “sentence” of a three year protocol of treatment…. and after the induction stage, the tests showed no sign of the cancer in your blood. But that remarkable news was quickly over shadowed by your seizure, septicaemia,  S.V.T., coding and being admitted to I.C.U.
The toxic treatments, complications, allergic reactions… you were never given chance to catch your breath!!
Your liver was so badly damaged… your little body fighting hard every single minute…
my Love, my Sunshine… my heart is broken in a million pieces! My eyes fill with tears and my body aches from grief…..
I love you always and forever to the moon and back
I misss you so very very much

A Little Surprise Gift Today

It’s been a while… these photos would have been the end of 2005 beginning of 2006. Little Paytan and Daddy.
I came across 2 rolls of film a while ago and dropped them off to get developed to see if there was anything there. Wasn’t expecting anything but to my surprise….. look who’s pictures I have! I actually had forgotten that I dropped the films off…. and apparently they had misplaced the envelopes…. and for whatever reason…. they were found, I was called to pick them up. This was an awesome gift today!!! ❤❤❤❤

A Tiny Sparkle…

Maybe it’s just me….. and I’m “looking” for signs. But I thought this was very special. Took the dogs outside today and sat down in the lawn chair. For whatever reason, I have no idea… I glanced over the ride arm of the chair and looked down. And this little shinny sparkle caught my eye. 

After my husband passed away, I used to sit outside late at night and stare at the stars…. I used to wonder how far away Heaven actually is…. I would like to think that they are closer than the stars… that maybe even on a different reality level. A different dimension level… and that they can leave us “messages” to let us know they are still close to us.


Silly Squirrel!

So….. a long while ago… Paytan would have been maybe 4 yrs old and Hailey 2 yrs old… we had just come home from a full day of Doctors appointments for their daddy. And the back seat was kindly “Hailey decorated” with McDonald’s French fries… I had unbuckled Paytan and helped her out of the truck. I told her (as I always did), “stay on the grass while I get your sister out of her seat”. Over Paytan went to the bottom of the pine tree to watch the ants and bugs.

As I was getting Hailey out of her seat, I was picking out French fries from inside her car seat and “randomly” tossing them over the roof of the truck. My thought was to share treats with the squirrels, cuz well they’d be digging them out of the green bin anyways. 

After a few tosses I heard Paytan’s little voice, as she was looking up into the pine tree, “squirrel! That’s not nice!”  Finally, father Hailey and our bag in one hand I grabbed a few more fries and again threw them over the roof of the truck. As I walked around the back of the truck, Paytan stood up and Ella up the tree, “ stop squirrel!” Not connecting the dots, I asked Paytan what was going on with the squirrel…. and her reply to me was…” mommy, the squirrel keeps throwing fries at me!” 

I had to hold in my laughs! 

K…. I was a “bad mommy”, cuz I didn’t tell her that it was me…… until one of the last days with her in CHEO…. Paytan was re-telling the nurses about this silly squirrel…. I came clean and told her it was me…. big sigh …. 

“How could you Mommy?” LOL

Paytan did forgive me 😊

K… having set the stage for you… you might want to sit down (if your not already). 

As you know, Hailey’s grade 6 grad was Wednesday night. It was super emotional for us… as this is a another chapter that we are stepping into without Paytan. … and in Sept Hailey will be returning to the previous school that both girls attended for jk-gr 1 and jk – gr 3, now a middle school. 

There are so very many memories that will I’m sure be surfacing for us in the coming months as Hailey walks back through the doors of her “new” old school. 

Wednesday night at bed time… Hailey said that she wanted to go for the last day of school, even if most of the gr 6’s said they weren’t gunna go cuz grad had already taken place. Great! I said and kissed her goodnight.

The morning was like any other… lol.. slow moving and just making the bell 🙂 … but off she went.

At the end of school I picked her up and we sat in the parking lot, crying, hugging and remembering the earlier days, happy Paytan days at school…. 

Returning home, windows down on the truck, approaching the lane way… a weird “squawking” noise was coming from the tree in the front yard. As we got out of the truck, I wandered over to the tree to see a squirrel on a branch… he was making all the noise! I started to “talk” to the squirrel, asking what all the noise was about…. lol… and the story above that I told about flashed in my mind! And I started to giggle and tears came to my eyes. I looked down to the ground as the tears started to fall… then I saw a pretty little flower.

The only one on the whole lawn… right at my feet!  So I pulled out my phone to take a picture of the little flower (cuz it made me smile)…. and my eye caught a pink colour in the grass!

By this time Hailey was at my side and already reaching down to see what that pink colour in the all green grass was…. 

and … well, for those of you who knew my late husband…. he was a guitarist. And ALWAYS had these colourful (never boring colours) little pieces of plastic In his pockets, fidgeting with them… almost always had one between his front teeth – 

yes, it was a pink guitar pick!

In our hearts… we believe that both Paytan and Roger were letting us know that they were there with us… even if we can’t hug them with our arms…

our ♥️ hearts ♥️ can be full. 

Slushman7871 – Youtube Channel

This past March 21st, 2018 marks seven years that my late husband has been gone from this earth.  One of his passions was to help educate people about diabetes and its’ terrible complications and challenges.  After his first amputation he started up a YouTube channel.  He wanted to track his progress and give hope and inspiration to anyone else going through similar challenges.  Below is the front page to his channel.  I have left his channel live to further continue what he started.  I know that some of the rehab staff use the videos for aid of exercises.  I am hoping that through this website I can continue to offer inspiration and hope.

Slushman7871 – YouTube Channel

It's only a BAD DAY if you say it is