Sharing with friends that are not on Pulling for Paytan (a Facebook page that was actively tracking my daughter’s battle with cancer 2014-2016). This is a post from a friend of my niece, who followed and was touched by Paytan’s journey.
❤ …. from my family and myself, Thank you David ❤

Sister time…. seeing this post come across my memories on Facebook today, (Nov 29), comes bitter sweet. Hailey has a book at school in which an older sister is reading a story to her younger sister. As the story progressed there were some parts that were a little scary and so the older sister “altered” the characters to be “not so scary”. When I picked Hailey up from school today, she was sad and told me what I just wrote here. With tears in her eyes, Hailey says to me… “it’s just like Paytan used to do for Me, Momma”.
These two were so very close, always thinking of the other one and always looking out for each other.
Paytan, my Love, you are missed so very much ❤️❤️

So, there came that day your hair really started to come out…. and we then got it trimmed so it would be a little easier to manage the clumps. Unfortunately, you were not awake to really enjoy your shorter haircut, as you spent 10 days in I.C.U. But later on as your hair came back… you rocked your short “do”! And your sister really wanted to have the same hair cut as you. Hailey so looked up to you! Momma wasn’t quite ready for you both to have short hair…. lol… I still wanted to braid your “locks”…. but Paytan… guess who’s rocking the short “do” too 😊 my heart skipped a beat this morning when Hailey came out of her room with your head scarf-thingy…. oh my how I see you in your sister!
I miss you Paytan ❤️

Today in 2014… marks the day we heard the words cancer, leukaemia….
It still takes my breath away and knots my stomach… your words echo in my mind and heart…”mommy, am I gunna die?”
Paytan, my Love, I did EVERYTHING!!!! But I still couldn’t save you. I miss you!!

My heart aches deeply for you!!! My tears are overflowing with the pain of loosing you!!
There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t wonder, what if, where would she be now, would she be walking, what other complications would there be, how can I make things better for her…. and then … I remember… the details of the last few days. The immense amount of pain you had, the fishers in your bum, in your mouth, esphogus… you slipped away from me like water in my hands… I couldn’t hold on to you!!

My Love, I am so so sorry I couldn’t take your pain away!!! I couldn’t make you better!!!
My Love…. I love you and miss you❤️❤️❤️❤️

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month… shown or displayed with a Gold Ribbon.
Yes, I will display Gold for Childhood Cancer Awareness, and proudly display an Orange Leukaemia Ribbon on my car… along with my daughter’s personal message!
For my daughter fought a fight that NO child should EVER have to fight!!
Everyday, I think of Paytan… all the things she accomplished and experienced… happy and sad…. I am grateful for the happy memories. And try hard to find sunshine in the sad.

I love you before I even knew I was expecting you… and I will love you for eternity ❤️❤️

I have so many memories floating around my head… and I am so very glad for photographs. I just wish I took more. And more videos. So I could hear your voice more ❤️.

My brain just can not comprehend that you are not here with me. Photographs take me to a time my heart aches for. Not the sickness, or the heartaches…. but to a time where I had you to hold!

My mind reminds my broken heart of the early days… where I would almost spend the whole night sitting with you in my arms, rocking you to sleep…. just so I could watch you breathe.

I must admit that I didn’t really try to hard to put you down as a baby 🙂 … I loved rocking you to sleep.

And as sick as you were… for me to climb in the hospital bed beside you and have you snuggle up close to me…. I would hug you so much….

Your sister shared with me this morning, that you and Daddy came to see her in her dreams last night. My heart fluttered with joy to see your sisters eye light up telling me how you were showing her you could run again! You playing basketball hoops together… and Daddy was watching you both.

Her eyes filled with tears as she told me that when it was time for you to leave, that she pleaded with you to stay just a little longer….

I reassured her that you would come again.

I miss you so very much!

Some days it’s like I’m being crushed from the inside.

Can’t stop my heart from crying, tears pour down like a heavy rain. I can’t catch my breath, gasping in between silent screams.
Roller coaster of emotions flooding my every thought. I’m drowning in my grief.

I know the pain of loosing a sister… the loss of togetherness, a deep bond… my heart aches so very for your sister. I know too well her emptiness. I try so hard to fill that lonely place for her…. but I know that only can you occupy.

Today, for some reason… I’m broken all over again. Lost in my sadness.

I tell God every day to give you my hugs and tell you I love you.
Is it bad… is bad, that when an elderly person has passed away… I do feel sad for her family… but my heart jumps to have thought I could have asked for her to tell you AGAIN… I love you, I miss you….
My Love, My Sunshine ❤️

Tell your Daddy I love him so very much. Tell him all about your beautiful sister and all that you did together her while you were here.

When you were little, in nursery school, we found a monarch caterpillar…. do you remember? We picked a bunch of milkweeds and put him in the insect container and took him home to care for him. Several weeks went by that we would go every day and pick fresh milkweed, clean his container and watch him grow….
we looked up online what kind of things we should put in the container with him to keep him happy. You named him Charlie.
Soon it was time for him to make his chrysalis. You were soooo very excited!!
It was amazing to watch as the chrysalis changed from green to see thru! And finally one day, Charlie was ready to come out of his chrysalis!! We watched as he broke through and started to open up his wings…. it was beautiful to watch…. but even more beautiful to watch you watching and talking to your little sister to “explain” what was going on. ❤️
Eventually, Charlie’s wings were all stretched out and he was ready to fly away.
You started to giggle and cry at the same time…. but called out to Charlie, “don’t forget me. Come and visit me”….
My heart smiled big as I looked at you….
Then next year, we saw a few monarch butterflies flying around and you immediately called out to them… “hi Charlie & Charlie’s friend!”…. “Look Mommy, Charlie came back to visit, and brought his friend too!”
I didn’t have the heart to tell you that most butterflies don’t make it back after the winter and it was probably a different butterfly….. I let you think it was Charlie. For many, many years… I let you believe this….. not until you were in CHEO, reading a school book with your teacher, that you realized that Charlie was gone a long time ago.
You weren’t mad at me for not telling you…. you just gave me the biggest hug and said that you would never fly away from me.
My Loves …. you ARE My Sunshine and your sister IS My Twinkling Star…..

 My mind wanders from present to past… past when you were little. Even to when I was dreaming about you before I even was pregnant with you….. God gave me the gift of you and your sister. And I am so deeply grateful for the honour of being your Mommy.
You had the fairest blonde hair… and this cute little tuff that would pop up no matter how we pat it down. 🙂 it was you!
Your smile was contagious!! Your ability to always see the happy side of everything!! And your incredible willingness to help at anything…. I’m soooo glad for the nights I fell asleep with you in my arms in the rocking chair for being able to hold you and feel you breathe.
I remember sitting with a very small you at the computer and we were playing the kids games online…. the simplest funny voice I would make as we moved the mouse you would giggle and giggle!

Your sister misses you terribly! My heart aches for her pain. I know too well the absence of a sister…. the empty lonely feeling facing the world by yourself. I hug her EVERYDAY…. LOTS!! And tell her the tighter I squeeze is an extra hug from you!! After God gave me you… I prayed for another child so that you wouldn’t be alone….. God gave us Hailey!! My world was complete.
You ARE the best big sister to Hailey!!
You helped Mommy take care of her…. you were the only one that could comfort her during car rides, you are the one she wanted to tell her stories to. She has a huge empty space that I am trying hard to fill for her… not to replace you… but to give her your love!!