I had a dream last night you were here with me.
You were walking, and giggling… no pain, no cancer.
You were whole and happy …. happy again.
You were playing with your sister,
telling her how beautiful Heaven is.
Only then did I realize you were not really here with me.
You were in my dream.
Well…. I’ve lived my 47th birthday, and the One Year Passing of my Daughter, as of January 6th, 2017. And now today as I write, I am living the one year anniversary of the viewings and funeral for my daughter. One year…. one full year. To be honest, this past year has been a blur. I really don’t remember too many specifics…I think I was just existing. How do you continue to keep the memory of your daughter alive when you are supposed to “live” with the living? How do you move forward without the one person you long to see and hold? How do you rationalize the loss? Where do your feelings of sadness and lose go? If you can get through the day without crying, are you forgetting her? What happens if you can’t hear her giggle any more? There are so very many questions that ran and sometimes still run through my head… As Facebook pulls up the memories for me to remind me… I sit still in my quiet room and shed tears for what could have been. And then remember all that she went through. If she had lived… she would still be in the hospital. She would still be in a coma…. if she was still alive. Would that be fair of me to demand her to have stayed? No! I did that once during her first coding…. I cried to God, “I can’t bury my daughter! Don’t take her!” And he didn’t take her then… nor the two more times she coded did He take her….. Only at the end did I realize that it was for me I requested her presence…. for me. And look at what she went through…. I had a friend say to me after I shared this thought…. maybe it was for her. Maybe it was Paytan that requested to stay… maybe she didn’t want to go. She was a fighter. So, I thank you my friend for those beautiful words…. She was a fighter.
I’m sitting here looking at your pictures that I have posted over the years on my facebook page. My beautiful little girl! I waited so long to have you, only to loose you in a blink of an eye! it wasn’t quick, it was long and horrific the treatments and complications you endured! I am and always will be your mother. I brought you into the world and I lay with you as you passed back to God. Paytan, my heart aches for you. every piece of me wants to go look for you and bring you home to me. Your sister Haiely, she misses you so very much. I honestly, dislike the saying, “God gives you what you can handle” …. I never wanted you to ever had to have handled a disease like cancer, or anything bad for that matter!
A saying my daughter said to herself always during a chemo treatment. So when she had passed and I found her note to herself, with this saying on it…. well, I cried. My beautiful, little girl had endured so much horrific pain and complications…. I had almost lost her three times before. No parent should have to ever bury their child. And no child should ever have to endure such a devasting disease!
