Why is it so hard?

Why is it so hard for me to let you go?  I know you are in heaven. A far better place than here on earth and in the pain you were in.  Am I being selfish to want you here?  My heart aches and my brain just doesn’t want to compute that you are no longer with me. I see the pictures of you … I re-live the events up to your passing… it took me 8 months to be able to lay your ashes to rest.  Why?  What was I waiting for?

Why can’t I accept you are gone?  My mind goes in a confusing ball of questions that swirl around and around.  All while my heart breaks for all that I know and saw you go through!  No one should have to have cancer!  It is the most horrible of diseases! I am grateful that I had the 11 years with you. Grateful because I got to see you as you were growing up.  Grateful because you were able to express yourself and let me know what was wrong.  Grateful because I have all those “I Love You Momma” in my heart to hold on to.  Combine the questions and the terrible crushing feeling I have missing you, and I am paralyzed.  Not wanting to move forward ever, cuz I can not include you.  Guilt now because I have you sister… and I wasn’t able to keep you for her.  “Get up”, I tell myself every morning.  “Get up”, and face the world.  You might have one less mouth to feed and care for… but you still have a little one to care for!  “Get up”!

It is hard to explain the mind bending thoughts I have … I’ve been told that the worse loss is that of a child.  It is not natural for the adults to loose the child first.  We are to pass down all our knowledge and ways for the children to grow and move forward after our passing.  Not them first.  We are programmed inside to care and love our children. And when one goes missing or gets hurt we are right there to aid and care.  But when they leave us, the whole is immense!  The sadness is to great!  You feel like you failed your child for not being able to keep them alive.

“I’m sorry” I told my baby as the nurses and doctors were turning off the machines… “I’m sorry,  there is nothing more I can do to allow you to stay with me.”  That feeling of complete helplessness.  That feeling for me returns again!  And I loose another one of my loves. First my sister, my late husband and now my beautiful baby girl!  That feeling of overcoming sadness that stops you in your thoughts. Makes your feet feel like cinder blocks weighing you down as you sink deeper into the sea of grief.

Why is it so hard to move forward without you?  There isn’t a day that goes by I don’t think of you. I visit your grave site regularly … searching for answers… searching for the pain to stop.