Life of my daughter Paytan… from the beginning describing her, personality, being through school years to her illness and then diagnosis and treatment. Ultimately her passing
http://www.tubmanfuneralhomes.com/families-in-our-care/paytan-faith-mcewen/1467/
Getting ready for the viewing.
This is Paytan’s actual heartbeat. It is 178 beats per min. She had SVT and her heart beat missed the 4th ventricle, therefore there is only “3” points showing in the beats.
This is Paytan’s hand writing of her name.
In Memory of Paytan tattoos.
This is drawing that Paytan made for me after her father passed away. She was 6 years old when she drew it.
Walking to school with Hailey this morning…. This is what we saw on the path. 
❤️
It marks two important people for us … my late husband passed away five years ago today…. and we are missing Paytan now too.
❤️Thank you for the honour of being your Mommy
Rise up this mornin’,…
Smile with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (“This is my message to you-ou-ou: “)
Singin’: “Don’t worry ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”
Singin’: “Don’t worry (don’t worry) ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right! ”
… B. Marley
This year marks a stepping stone, well at least it would have been a significant stepping stone for my oldest daughter. Graduating from grade 6 and on to middle school in the fall. Her chemo treatments were scheduled to be done January 2017…And then she would have turned a full fledged teenager in April 2017. Babysitting course, guitar lessons, soccer, basketball, track…. Academics….
I look back through your past years and smile big and the tremendous amount you had a…l ready accomplished in such a short time. The most was your love and compassion. The ability to see past issues, problems, personalities… And into the person’s heart. You are and always will be my hero. My love for keeps growing… Our family holds you close to our hearts.
This is the yearbook page from your school…
“It’s only a bad day if you say it is”…. Baby, your words are the foundation for me ❤️
We love you always xoxoxoxoxoxo
The girls’ school has been a huge support system through out all of the ups and downs over the past three years.
Fund raisers, quiet times, bake sales, Runs, book drives…. And personal one on one support…
In Memory of Paytan the school has planted purple flowers at the front garden.
Words don’t come close to expressing my families gratitude and love for all the kids teachers, and their families….
…. But THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!
Here are some pics from this past year.
…”we planted purple flowers in the front garden in memory of Paytan! “
Well… Sitting in the van with the windows down… Waiting to go into the dr. apt.. (Having arrived a bit early)
AND….Today is the VERY FIRST day I have heard a person (lady) read out loud your saying…”it’s only a bad day if you say it is”….
…To her daughter…. And comment … Loud enough for me to hear…..
“I SAY ….IT IS A BAD DAY”….
At first I felt upset, that she would read that and not understand that you wrote it… And then realize that she really had N…O idea that you wrote that… And even more important (to me) WHY you wrote it.
Then I felt sad…. That this person would have such a sad out look on her life, that she would be expressing it to her daughter… And to me…. (Cuz I think I was more the intended person to hear her comment).
So, as she passed by me, staring right at me…. I smiled, said pleasantly …”hello”… And that “I hoped her day would become a brighter, better more positive day going forward”….. Her daughter smiled back at me…. And said “thank you”.
Life is definitely what you make of it.
Negativity will always flatten you if you let it.
I choose like you, Paytan & your sister, Hailey…. to have “HAPPY DAYS”.
💕❤️
My baby-girl… ❤️❤️❤️
What I would give to see your beautiful face smile and hear your giggles, hold your hand and hear you say Mom. I miss
our morning snuggles… Our quiet time thoughts together. I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss thinking at night as I fell asleep what adventure you and your sister were going to explore the following day.
I miss the sharing of the excitement leading up to and then experiencing an new adventure with you.
My tears fall from the empty spot in my heart from missing your presence here.
This time last year, we were getting ready to send you and Hailey off to camp.
I was soooo afraid to let you go . I cried inside when Marilyn said there was a spot open for you guys.
As afraid as I was to send you off for the week… I was sooo very excited for you both to have the chance to experience camp. You both accomplished so much when you were there!
I see so much of you in your sister.
You truly were the best big sister ever.
You ALWAYS make and made my heart smile big!
My tears fall from the empty spot in my heart from missing your presence here.
Glen Cairn mourns 11-year-old whose cancer fight is over
Where do your thoughts go when you stop to reflect over your day?
Do you stop to remember a kind word spoken to you?
Or do you remember giving someone a smile to brighten their day?
Or, do you just dwell on all the wrongs that were thrown at you today?
How many times you were upset about something, frankly not worth being upset about? …
But that’s where your thoughts lay….
Now…. Close your eyes for a moment…. And pretend to be small again, small enough to depend upon others, but big enough to think you could conquer the world.
Right there!
Now…. Think of your worst fear…the thing or event that stops your heart and takes your breath away…. And magnify it by 1000!
Are you paralyzed?
Is your voice the echo of silent screams?
STOP!
Try to push it away… Away, deep inside.. So you can be pleasant as someone is interacting with you and telling you all will be ok…as they begin to shove cold, steel, needles into your small veins. You can hear the sounding beeps of the machine getting ready to pump toxic chemicals into your tiny body.
Wait! You scream, as your little arm at the site begins to swell and burn as the chemo leaks into the tissue that encases your now collapsed vein, only to hear the words, ” we have to do another IV”.
And … One point you remember feeling exhausted and sore… You close your eyes only to open them… Tied to a bed with wires and tubes attached to almost every part of you body.
You start to gag… But can’t move your arm at all to pull this massive hard breathing tube lodged in your mouth and throat.
Again, they pump you full of medicine to keep your body free from pain.
Your days are twisted together with your nights, dreams and nightmares….”
“what is real? Where are you?”, goes racing through your mind.
“Momma” you scream…only to not recognize the one face that calms your racing fear.
Keri McEwen
Oct 2014 Sitting in ICU CHEO… After her first Code