Where do your thoughts go when you stop to reflect over your day?
Do you stop to remember a kind word spoken to you?
Or do you remember giving someone a smile to brighten their day?
Or, do you just dwell on all the wrongs that were thrown at you today?
How many times you were upset about something, frankly not worth being upset about? …
But that’s where your thoughts lay….
Now…. Close your eyes for a moment…. And pretend to be small again, small enough to depend upon others, but big enough to think you could conquer the world.
Now…. Think of your worst fear…the thing or event that stops your heart and takes your breath away…. And magnify it by 1000!
Are you paralyzed?
Is your voice the echo of silent screams?
Try to push it away… Away, deep inside.. So you can be pleasant as someone is interacting with you and telling you all will be ok…as they begin to shove cold, steel, needles into your small veins. You can hear the sounding beeps of the machine getting ready to pump toxic chemicals into your tiny body.
Wait! You scream, as your little arm at the site begins to swell and burn as the chemo leaks into the tissue that encases your now collapsed vein, only to hear the words, ” we have to do another IV”.
And … One point you remember feeling exhausted and sore… You close your eyes only to open them… Tied to a bed with wires and tubes attached to almost every part of you body.
You start to gag… But can’t move your arm at all to pull this massive hard breathing tube lodged in your mouth and throat.
Again, they pump you full of medicine to keep your body free from pain.
Your days are twisted together with your nights, dreams and nightmares….”
“what is real? Where are you?”, goes racing through your mind.
“Momma” you scream…only to not recognize the one face that calms your racing fear.
Oct 2014 Sitting in ICU CHEO… After her first Code