The girls’ school has been a huge support system through out all of the ups and downs over the past three years.
Fund raisers, quiet times, bake sales, Runs, book drives…. And personal one on one support…
In Memory of Paytan the school has planted purple flowers at the front garden.
Words don’t come close to expressing my families gratitude and love for all the kids teachers, and their families….
…. But THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!

My baby-girl… ❤️❤️❤️
What I would give to see your beautiful face smile and hear your giggles, hold your hand and hear you say Mom. I miss our morning snuggles… Our quiet time thoughts together. I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss thinking at night as I fell asleep what adventure you and your sister were going to explore the following day.
I miss the sharing of the excitement leading up to and then experiencing an new adventure with you.
My tears fall from the empty spot in my heart from missing your presence here.

Where do your thoughts go when you stop to reflect over your day?
Do you stop to remember a kind word spoken to you?
Or do you remember giving someone a smile to brighten their day?
Or, do you just dwell on all the wrongs that were thrown at you today?
How many times you were upset about something, frankly not worth being upset about? …
But that’s where your thoughts lay….
Now…. Close your eyes for a moment…. And pretend to be small again, small enough to depend upon others, but big enough to think you could conquer the world.
Right there!
Now…. Think of your worst fear…the thing or event that stops your heart and takes your breath away…. And magnify it by 1000!
Are you paralyzed?
Is your voice the echo of silent screams?
STOP!
Try to push it away… Away, deep inside.. So you can be pleasant as someone is interacting with you and telling you all will be ok…as they begin to shove cold, steel, needles into your small veins. You can hear the sounding beeps of the machine getting ready to pump toxic chemicals into your tiny body.
Wait! You scream, as your little arm at the site begins to swell and burn as the chemo leaks into the tissue that encases your now collapsed vein, only to hear the words, ” we have to do another IV”.
And … One point you remember feeling exhausted and sore… You close your eyes only to open them… Tied to a bed with wires and tubes attached to almost every part of you body.
You start to gag… But can’t move your arm at all to pull this massive hard breathing tube lodged in your mouth and throat.
Again, they pump you full of medicine to keep your body free from pain.
Your days are twisted together with your nights, dreams and nightmares….”
“what is real? Where are you?”, goes racing through your mind.
“Momma” you scream…only to not recognize the one face that calms your racing fear.

I’d to share a moment with you guys…
Just down the road from CHEO… On the way to the Queensway… There is a road called “Freedom”.
Paytan noticed the sign on our first drive home… And started to cry. She asked me to turn around, and pull onto the street. I did and parked facing the street sign… She sighed and asked me to play the song “Home”, by American Authors”… I sat giving her a …huge hug… Listening to her sing along. My eyes filled with tears as she said “I love you, Mommy. To the moon and back. Forever and always”

**********

I’ve got these letters tattooed on my arm
That remind me each second of where I come from
And the long hard road to get me back home

Back to my mama who raised me up right
And back to my lady who I held every night
It’s a long hard road trying to get home

I’d been gone now for too long

I’m not trying to stop a hurricane
I’m not trying to shake the ground below
I’m just trying to find a way to make it back home

I’m not trying to part the ocean waves
I’m not trying to overthrow the throne
I’m just trying to find a way to make it back home
I’m just trying to get home

I’ve got this image engraved in my mind
Of a light that I had in a whole different time
It still breathes and lives at the end of the road

I’ve seen mountains and valleys through my missing days
But I never once parted with how you begged me to stay
I will run down that long hard and treacherous road to get home

I’ve been gone for so long
But my heart it carries on
As it pounds like a drum
On my journey back home

I’ve been gone for so long
But my heart it carries on
I won’t give up

I’m just trying to get home

American Authors “Home”