I miss you my baby Paytan… there is not a day that doesn’t go by I don’t think about what we would be doing if you were here…. I think about what it would still be like having just finished your treatments.  Would you be really walking on your own?  Would your bones have responded to the treatments we gave you in December 2015?  How would you have been doing with the nerve damage in your hands and feet?  And how would you be doing in school after all those SVT attacks (racing of her heart).  And my mind wonders to the “what ifs”…. what if you had not been taken off the antifungal medication?  What if we had gotten to the hospital earlier?  What if we just had not of left in the first place that morning?  What if? What if?   I know it is not good to think about the what ifs… but honey is it very hard not to…what if one of the what ifs I had done and you would have been still here with me?  Yes, I know… I do everything, everything humanly possible…. I even was in the last CT scan you were having telling the nurses what you like in the machine…. you were unconscious.  And honestly, you were not aware of what was happening to be upset you were going into that machine.

But what if ….