To say what I am feeling… Or to describe the black hole that blinds my thoughts…..
That brief moment when your eyes blinked… Your mind thought a thought… And… Then… The incredible sick to your stomach, over whelming blackness of helplessness and panic hits…. The gut wrenching, knees giving out from under you….
you thought you lost your child in a crowded mall.
Well… That’s kind of touching my heart’s pain
I waited so long to have you… you were “My Sunshine”.
When I look at your pictures, I know exactly what was happening at that moment.
I can tell you everything about it.
A year has gone by now and yet time stands still for me. I can reflect on the events that
all lead up to your passing… thinking about the “what ifs”, and mostly the “whys”.
Why did you have to have cancer? Why did you have to have so many complications?
Why did it have to be so bad? And why did you have to pass away? No answers…
The stillness of the quiet thoughts embrace my fountain of tears.
I love to see my friends and their kids… the same age as my Boo Bear.
I must say I am jealous of their time with their children. Entering into the
teenage years and all the wonders of growing up.
I do so thank God for the time I have to live and share with my youngest daughter.
To watch her growing up to a young, beautiful, smart woman.
Together our heart long for Paytan … together our tears of sadness comfort each other.
And together we will pick ourselves up, carry each other forward…
until we meet again.
I had a dream last night you were here with me.
You were walking, and giggling… no pain, no cancer.
You were whole and happy …. happy again.
You were playing with your sister,
telling her how beautiful Heaven is.
Only then did I realize you were not really here with me.
You were in my dream.
Well…. I’ve lived my 47th birthday, and the One Year Passing of my Daughter, as of January 6th, 2017. And now today as I write, I am living the one year anniversary of the viewings and funeral for my daughter. One year…. one full year. To be honest, this past year has been a blur. I really don’t remember too many specifics…I think I was just existing. How do you continue to keep the memory of your daughter alive when you are supposed to “live” with the living? How do you move forward without the one person you long to see and hold? How do you rationalize the loss? Where do your feelings of sadness and lose go? If you can get through the day without crying, are you forgetting her? What happens if you can’t hear her giggle any more? There are so very many questions that ran and sometimes still run through my head… As Facebook pulls up the memories for me to remind me… I sit still in my quiet room and shed tears for what could have been. And then remember all that she went through. If she had lived… she would still be in the hospital. She would still be in a coma…. if she was still alive. Would that be fair of me to demand her to have stayed? No! I did that once during her first coding…. I cried to God, “I can’t bury my daughter! Don’t take her!” And he didn’t take her then… nor the two more times she coded did He take her….. Only at the end did I realize that it was for me I requested her presence…. for me. And look at what she went through…. I had a friend say to me after I shared this thought…. maybe it was for her. Maybe it was Paytan that requested to stay… maybe she didn’t want to go. She was a fighter. So, I thank you my friend for those beautiful words…. She was a fighter.